Thinks I keep

This is a special recipe I cooked for someone who occupied a very important place in my life, and it actually became their favorite recipe from me.

I didn't get this recipe from AI or a cooking book. I actually had all those ingredients in my fridge, which I needed to use before they went bad. forty-two was visiting me from far away, and they were hungry. It was one hour before they landed, so I had to make sure I had food prepared.

I open my fridge, I see two salmon fillets and Brussels sprouts. I started to cook the salmon and the Brussels sprouts, then I realized something was missing. Maybe potatoes? So I checked my pantry, and I remembered forty-two loves lentils — black lentils. I thought it was perfect.

I drive to the airport to pick up forty-two, and indeed, they were extremely hungry. I mean, a 10–12 hour flight, airplane food? Sad position. I told them I made food for you. "Is it healthy?" they asked, and I said absolutely yes!!

forty-two devoured the plate, and I felt so bad that I didn't have extra salmon, so I offered a piece of mine. In the end, I already had nice food during the day. They said this was the best food they ever had — healthy, delicious, and so filling. I think they were just saying that because they were hungry lol.

Months passed, and forty-two confessed that they were craving their favorite recipe from me, and asked if I could cook it for them now. I was like, which one? They answered: Salmon, Lentils, and Brussels Sprouts.

Since I cooked this recipe by eye, I asked Claude to put my thoughts into a recipe. It's below.

forty-two, if you read this, I hope you make it and enjoy it!

I always thought that baking sourdough was just a hard process, and that you had to be a professional baker. I had videos saved on how to bake your first sourdough, how to start a starter for it, etc. And they always started with "your first loaf is gonna be shitty," which made me feel more intimidated, to be honest.

Back in April, I needed to come back to some of the things I loved doing, that for a known reason I had stopped doing. I decided I needed to challenge myself, to distract myself from the pain. I started with sourdough — you have to prepare a starter, take care of the starter, and then bake. It's actually a process of days, constantly taking care of something. This fit perfectly with waking up every morning and making something useful, because back then I was having a hard time taking care of myself, so this would definitely make me stand up from my bed.

I started the process. A starter is not complex, if you ask me — you just follow the rules, and you're good. Then, once you have the starter ready to bake, that's when the fun part comes: folding, shaping, and baking. My first loaf was perfect. I don't know if it was beginner's luck or if I actually nailed the process and steps. I was so proud of myself. I shared a warm piece with my flatmates, and we ate it with butter (good German butter) and homemade marmalade of ginger and honey from my friend Lilly.

"It's the best," my flatmate said. I genuinely loved it, and it increased my confidence. I spent the next three weeks baking a loaf and perfecting the recipe. But then, something that impacted my life for the second time hit stronger — I started to stress and neglect myself once more. I didn't want to keep baking; it just didn't make sense to me anymore. I didn't feel the joy I once felt. My sourdough starter died with my willing in May.

Months passed, and now I live in a different place, one I call a new start for me. One of my dear friends moved with me, and one day we were cooking dinner together, and I was like, "we need dessert." I grabbed random ingredients and started mixing without a recipe. That's when I realized my desire to bake had come back. It felt so nice to mix flour and other ingredients and bake. I decided to make sourdough again.

A week ago, I prepared the starter, took care of it for more than a week. One day I forgot to feed it, but I managed to recover it — it grew so much. Yesterday, I baked the loaf, and it was more than perfect: perfect texture, perfect flavor, and the best part, I got to share it with my loved ones.

I wish I could give credit to the person behind the recipe, but I just don't remember which video I wrote it down from. It's below. Credits to the anonymous sourdough person.

Last week I had to face many things in my life which are not easy to talk about, but I realized that the more I keep them for me, the heavier it feels.

I realized that the amount of times I got humbled this year is insane. Back in January I was so excited for what was coming to my life, steps I was gonna take, move forward in my studies and career. March comes and it hits like a bomb, everything I once thought I had secured came down.

I suffered so much, changes, pains, blaming myself of things that were out of my control. I didn't understand back then, I thought I was just an unlucky person, or someone wished me ill... But now, after self work and therapy, it made me realize that all those things I thought were absolute were completely destroying me from who I really am. If you read tarot, think of it this way: I get the Tower and Death cards, and the first thought that comes to mind is that this is so negative. From my now clear perspective and crystallized pain (wisdom), this was a necessary chapter. When you're detaching from your true self, bad foundation, bad patterns, whatever you wanna call it, this must fall down and destroy (Tower card), so you can transform and reborn to a better version of yourself (Death card).

I'm not absolute, but all the situations I've been through this year have helped me to grow mentally and physically. It was necessary to come back to my true self, and even better, become a stronger version of myself. This is why today's title is called Uncomfortable Talks: whatever situation you're going through, I'm sure you can save yourself so much pain by just having that conversation you've been avoiding all this time.

Still, talking about this is not an easy topic for me. My therapist is the only one who knows all my progress, but I hope one day I'm transparent enough to share my healing journey.

Not everything is negative. This year's process has also made me learn about the people who surround me, people who I once thought were empty hearted. This humbled me, very much, and I'm thankful that I opened to them and told them these thoughts. Recognizing I was wrong was hard at the beginning, but the self reward I felt later was worth it.

When I had social media, I used to follow this woman who made recipes for each cycle phase. She posted this recipe of 'Sweet Potato Brownies' which apparently is quite good for your health, especially when you're craving chocolate.

I'm in my luteal phase, known as the "Inner Autumn" based on my period tracker app. I've been crying over the smallest things, but hey, I guess it's part of my cycle, right? I woke up today crying and wanting something sweet.

I love chocolate, so I remembered the recipe, but I don't have social media so there was no way to get it. I just remembered that it had sweet potato and chocolate.

So, big thanks to Claude, who gave me a recipe, and I added a little twist to it. I want "Moist Sweet Potato Brownies" — I love chocolate and moisture, so this had to be. Here's my prompt, short and simple: "Tell me a recipe to make moist sweet potato brownie, no refined sugar." It came back with the recipe below.

I invited my friend Rachel over, and she asked me if she should bring vanilla ice cream. I said yes, as she doesn't like "healthy recipes". But one day I will surprise her with a healthy recipe that she won't notice.

Surprisingly, it came out delicious, and now I feel fulfilled with chocolate and my sweet cravings for my Inner Autumn.

If you make it, I hope you enjoy it!